Trust/Fear Part Two

i don’t trust me when i’m afraid of things. 

i don’t trust me when i’m afraid of things! 

my fear of death doesn’t make me trust me, my fear of living doesn’t make me trust me. i don’t take my word on death avoidance, on life compliance, on spirits, on afterlife, hope or despair, because i seem authoritatively afraid. 

after all, it really isn’t about my “Trust” in my fear anyway. it’s about my desire to compel compliance. 

when i’m in fear and externalizing my emotions, i leverage my Big Fear energy as authority (trust me, i do it all the time). something you are doing is making me feel fear, and it’s my job to tell you, and your job to stop. the illusory compulsion: that it’s within my power to compel my experience of safety from others.

that it’s within my power to compel my experience of safety from others. 

no, no it’s not. it’s not, because it’s impossible. 

there has never been any amount of compulsive compelling i could ever do (and i can be very convincing), that has spared me from my fear, that has spared me from myself. i think, actually, nothing outside of me has the power to spare me, from myself. 

when i say i’m afraid, i believe me. i trust my ability to feel it, i trust my ability to name it, i trust my ability to express it. my fear is as real as anything can be. and my fear, has, nothing, to, do, with, anyone, but me. 

my emotions are none of anyone else’s business, they’re barely my business as it is. i’m not happy i’m are triggered. i didn’t wish for my heart pounding out of my chest and sweat accumulating in my palms. i’m not excited by my pain (well, honestly that’s more my style). 

and all of that goes to show that my emotions are far out of anyone else’s sphere of control, probably even my own. i didn’t invite them here (likely, neither did you), nor do i have the power to banish them away from me. i can’t and don’t compel me, to feel some type of way about anything at all. and i can’t and don’t compel you, to twist yourself out of the possibility of tripping my wire. i am free of you. as you are, of me. 

i  can’t and don’t compel you to trust me, and my projections are not an effective “trust me” strategy anyways.