Shitty Witch’s Blueberry Jam

Jewish grandmothers love to cook fruit. We do jam the shitty way.

Gather almost-too-gross-to-eat berries. Soak them in ACV to rinse the grocery store off of them, then rinse with water. Dump in pot. Bring up to a boil, then to a simmer. When the fruit looks more like jam than berries, drop in as much honey or maple syrup as your hand asks for. (Don’t ask your hand, dumb dumb, just pour until your hand stops, Jesus).

Mix well, and simmer gently for another chunk of time until the jam feels like it’s made a home for the sweetener, and the berries have darkened as deep as possible. Turn off heat and Let. Cool. On. Stove.

Pour in jar and tuck away in the freezer as anti-winter-depressant. (Forget to write down the date and what is actually in the jar so that when you pull it out of the freezer it’s Russian Roulette to find out if that jar is housing cooked lambs quarters or blueberry jam.) Enjoy!